At times, some of the strangest artifacts come tumbling out.

“Julia Childs? Not tonight.”

My mom attempted to make Goulash one night. Pretty easy right? Throw some ingredients into the crock-pot, turn it on, and walk away. (Let me just interject here: my mother does know how to prepare a meal. She’s owned and operated a very successfull restaurant for the past 15 years. This was before that.) It was stomach-churning to say the least. My dad was being the dutiful, unerring spouse and just retching it down. I was not. No, I didn’t deliver my bowl across the room via airmail. Yes, I thought I was going to ralph everywhere, on everyone, without pause as to who would be receiving the partially digested contents of my upper Alimentary Canal. And as I sat there picturing that pandemonium, I vurped. You know, the Vomit-Burp. My palate, what was let of it, was decimated. And my tongue wasn’t going to be restrained. I shoved my bowl just beyond my reach, and proclaimed, “This is gross. I’m not gonna eat it!”

My dad took one look at me- you know, The Look. The one that when it comes out, the dog tucks tail and gets out of Dodge. Yeah, that look.

I don’t know if it was the emesis about to trigger the up-chuck reflex within me, or the Goulash itself, but I was undeterred. He could have shot me The Look all night- I had dug in on this one. No retreat.

Seeing that his first born had lived up to his birthright of being strong willed, my dad attempted diplomacy. “There’s starving kids in China that would love this meal.”

Sorry. No dice, pops. No, I didn’t just sit there with arms folded in a Norman-Rockwell-esque-pose. That’s right. I said it. Without using any one of the billions of neurons in my young cephalic area, I said, “Well then. Why don’t YOU put it in a brown bag and ship it to em!?”

Darkness. Was I dead? I didn’t think so. Was I alive? Jury is still deliberating, no verdict. Had I transported to another dimension? Heck, even I didn’t believed that one. Logic won, and my reasoning told me I was still alive. My eyes were shut.

I opened my eyes- just in time to see the back of my dad’s meat-hook. Nice dad. Diplomacy is overrated anyway.

And with that I collected myself and retired to my room. Nothing had to be said. Game Over. Parents: 1 Me: Goose egg

No, I didn’t get anything else to eat that night. Yes, I gladly ate it for breakfast the next morning.

“These balloons are awesome!”

If you’ve heard this keep reading.

We, my brother and I, would sometimes get these cool, ob-long balloons in the bath on Sunday morning. It wasn’t ever planned, and it only happened two or three times. I recall the balloons being really thin, and that they would pop if we weren’t careful with them. They were super fun!

Fast forward like ten-ish years. I’m in middle school. I’m outside at lunch or something and I hear someone proclaim that a water balloon fight is commencing. Sweet. Arriving on scene I find the spheres flying this way and that, some finding the target’s they were destined for, and others failing- but all the while making just as impressive hydrological explosions on terra firma. Someone shoves one into my hand. I glance down and think, “Now that’s a strange looking water balloon.” Its transparent, and has a disproportionate inlet for filling, with parallel rings running the entire length of it, and a little nipple-like protrusion at the top. I let it fly. I watch as it gains momentum and altitude, resembling a heavenly body on its pre-time-determined path and orbit, and I remember the cool balloons, in the bathtub, on Sunday mornings.

Suddenly I recollect more concerning those balloons. They looked a lot like the one flying through the atmosphere right now. They too were pellucid, and had parallel rings, a huge air inlet, and, while not as pronounced, there certainly was a slight resemblance to the teat-esque protuberance. There was something else about those Sunday morning balloons. Oh yeah. They repelled water really well. The water from the tub just seemed to bead-up on them. They weren’t easy to grip either, kinda slippery actually. Wait a minute.

To this day my mom swears that they never did such a thing. My dad, whence confronted with the evidence of my cerebral significances, managed to elude cross-examination.

But I know. If you don’t get it, think about it. If you still don’t get it, Tommy will come over and hit you on the head with a tac-hammer, because you are a……now that’s funny.

Way back in April my wife started beauty school. But before she started we had to figure how to pay for it. So we did the FAf….whatever it is, and found out that we made too much money- the prior year. But only too much for free money. Goodie. We get to do loans. Yea.

I call up our bank to ask about Student Loans. And I get an idea. This is pretty much how it went:

Bank: Wells Fargo Student Loans, this is Barry, how may I help you?

NjS: Yeah Barry. I’m interested in Loans.

B: What kind of Loans, sir?

NjS: (Yeah I know- I’m thinking it too. So I go appease good ol’ Barry.) Uh… Student Loans?

B: Ok. What would you like to know, sir?

NjS: About your Student Loan Program.

B: Certainly…..blah, blah, blah.

At this point I’ve heard it all before. So I start asking the tough questions. It went something like this:

NjS: So, Barry… Is it possible to get multiple Student Loans?

B: As in for different schools? Or for multiple students?

NjS: Yeah, multiple students.

B: Yes. We do that.

NjS: What is the typical length of your Student Loan Program?

B: Well that depends on the type of schooling, and how long it takes to complete the program.

NjS: Let’s say I wanted a Student Loan for just one year, can I do that or do I have to wait for completion?

B: If you choose to not complete school, there will be a six month grace period before you must begin making payments.

NjS: Wait. I have to pay for the Student Loan?

B: Well, yes sir. We’re loaning you the money at an interest rate, and you agree to pay it back in a term mutually agreed upon.

NjS: That’s new. I’ve never heard of that before.

B: Its standard practice, sir.

NjS: So how much is this Student Loan going to cost me?

B: There’s the original amount that you borrow, and then there’s the interest that accrues over the life of the loan.

NjS: So my Student Loan gains interest as time goes on?

B: Yes sir. But you do have the option of paying off the Student Loan early without penalty, thus decreasing the overall interest. In the case of multiple Student Loans you may decrease your interest on all of them by consolidating them into just one Student Loan.

NjS: Wait a minute. So you’re saying that my Student Loan may not have as much interest as another Student Loan? And that if I group them together their interest would decrease even more?

B: Exactly.

NjS: Let me ask you another question.

B: Sure.

NjS: Do you guys have requirements to get into the Student Loan Program?

B: That depends on what your talking about specifically. Are there age requirements? Sometimes. Usually it depends on the school.

NjS: So I can still get a Student Loan at around 20?

B: Yes. Age usually isn’t an issue, sir.

NjS: Do you do Foreign Student Loans?

B: Yes. As long as you attend an accredited school listed with us you may have a Student Loan.

NjS: Nice.

B: Its an added bonus for a lot of people.

NjS: Well, I’m convinced I really want to do this. How do I get started? Is there an application or something?

B: Yes. There’s a couple ways you can apply. You can go to wellsfargo.com and click on the Student Loans link located under the Loans tab on the Homepage. Or you can visit any Wells Fargo branch and fill out an application there.

NjS: Oh. That’s easy!

B: It certainly is, sir.

NjS: One more question.

B: Sure.

NjS: When can I expect my Student Loan to arrive?

B: Once we receive your completed application it will be forwarded onto our underwriters. You should have a decision, typically, within 48-72 hours.

NjS: That’s quick!

B: We do our best sir. Do you have any other questions regarding our Student Loans Program?

NjS: Oh! Yes! Are Student Loans ever gender specific?

B: As a Federally Insured Deposit Company, we are prohibited from discriminating based on gender, sir.

NjS: So that means gender isn’t ever specified?

B: Correct sir.

NjS: Oh. That’s ok. I think I’ll still do it. This is going to be fun!

B: Yes sir. Education can be a very rewarding experience. Is there anything else I can help you with sir?

NjS: Nope. Thanks for your time.

B: You’re welcome sir. Thank you for calling Wells Fargo. Have a wonderful evening.

NjS: Thanks Barry!

B: Good bye sir.

NjS: Bye.

And that’s that. You know, I don’t think ol’ Barry ever really got what I was talking about. (Hint: Student….. ……..Loans)