Source Sex Addiction

My name is Nick Shoemaker and I am a lust-a-holic, this is my story.

I viewed my first pornographic image at the ripe age of 13.

No, my dad didn’t have magazines around. We were on family vacation and came across an abandoned house in the hills of Oregon somewhere that was, literally, full of old magazines. My mom said, “There’s a Playboy.”
I saw it, and I knew what it was. I waited until everyone was heading back to the car and made up some excuse to go back in the house. I plopped down in front of it, picked it up and quickly flipped through it. I saw one, quarter page ad of actual porn- then my mom called for me, and I dropped it and ran out of the house.

I knew it was wrong.
I was hooked.

If you’re a man and you’re reading this and you identify with this- I’m glad, at least now you know that you’re not alone. If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, I’m glad that the info-graphic above let’s you know you’re not alone.

Next step: Talk.

Talk with anyone who will listen. Talk with your grandmother. Talk with your best friend. Just talk. Don’t live in the shadows. Bust out into the freedom that is found in the light of day and complete openness. Do it again tomorrow. And the next day.

One more thing.

If the title I’ve chosen for this post truly offends you, shut up. You care more about 7 letters than you do about MILLIONS of people that are hurting and crying out. My hope is not to incite offense, but spur us on towards genuine communication about the voids in our lives and how we try to fill them.

Be well,
~Nick

It rises and falls like the tide on this ever changing sea we call our emotions.

It’s been used in book and movie titles, and even as part of political campaign slogans.

Today, at least for me, hope became more real and reached new heights of clarity with one statement:

I could try to tell the backstory here, but I’d invite you to just watch this great video that I previously posted about.

Zac,
I never knew you, but I wish I had. Your faith is so real and so…. fresh. It’s refreshing. My heart breaks and rejoices at the same time, and I have no more words.

Be well, and I hope I get to see you someday.
~Nick

It’s crazy how death young death is so clarifying. It shocks us. It reawakens the knowledge of our own mortality and frailty, something I think we put aside- or attempt to- as often and as quickly as we can.

I remember when a childhood friend of mine died suddenly of a brain stem aneurism. He was a senior in college. He and his girlfriend has just decided to get married, but he hadn’t officially proposed yet. And he was gone.

At the time, my faith, belief system, whatever-you-want-to-call-it was weak. I wasn’t doing this or that, and was doing that and this- I wasn’t loving Jesus, as I liked to put it then. I was living separated from what God had for me- as I will state it now.

It was my friend’s death that shook me from my chosen direction. At his memorial service, I pulled the officiant aside and asked him to tell the family that I had returned to my, our, faith and that his death and the memories of our lives together had been the major catalyst for it.

If you’ve been reading the past week or so I’ve posted a couple times about doubt and questioning.

And, I still have questions and doubts.

What? You expected me to say that they’ve all gone and everything is fine now? HA! If only it were that easy.

I’m glad it’s not. I’m glad we get to wrestle. I’m glad that God loves us enough to not give us easy answers.

So yeah- God is still God. And He is Good.

Thanks Zac.

Yesterday I mentioned that I doubt. Today I’m pretty much vurping (vomit-burp: not a full vomit, but still not pleasant and definitely not fun like a burp).

Jason Boyett wrote a book O Me of Little Faith- and I’m probably going to read it.

Today he asked the question: How do doubters achieve a balance between honest questioning, personal transparency, and concern over the spiritual well-being of non-doubters?

Here’s my answer in the comments on that post:

wow.

Yeah- I need to read this book (or maybe I don’t).

This is where I’m at right now. Do I be transparent, and possibly impact my livelihood, or do I just skirt around the issue- hinting at it here and there- essentially putting a bandaid on?

My brother isn’t a believer- will my expression of doubt further entrench him? Or will it be the fresh honesty he wants to see?

Do I really care about causing others to stumble- or should I? Do I really believe THAT part of the Bible?

I have no problem believing in sunshine and happy days, it’s when the crap hits the fan that I well, you know, doubt.

To the question at hand- causing others to stumble. Is doubt sin? It’s not, right? So how can my lack of sin cause others to sin?

And this leads to the other stumbling blocks I may leave. I drink alcohol. I dance. I even *gasp* “cuss”. OK- I get why those are stumbling blocks:

Too much alcohol = drunkenness = sin.
Too much dancing = lust = sin.
Too much cussing = blasphemy = sin.
Too much doubt = lots of doubt = more questions = ?

Maybe too much doubt can lead to lying. BUT- if you’re being honest, ie- “I believe this and I struggle with this and I don’t think I can believe this yet, if ever”, you would wouldn’t be lying.

Score:
Honest Doubt – ok
Dishonest Doubt – Hell

???

Yesterday I posted on my blog about my doubts. Or, rather, admitted to having them. It helped some. This has helped some more.

For me open conversation helps more than anything else. It let’s me know that I’m normal- whatever that means.

This whole question of “will my doubts cause others to doubt more” hits close for me. I have a good friend that confessed their sin and expressed their doubts, and then was essentially placed outside community because of that honesty. I get it- they couldn’t lead any longer because of the sin, but to have the tough conversation and then not honestly care? REALLY?

So here I am. Will my admission of guilt in doubting cause you to doubt more? Or do you feel more normal now, too?

I really hope this isn’t a surprise to anyone.

The problem is that I didn’t think I had them. (And, I still don’t know if my doubts are real.)

I am constantly telling myself that doubts are fear-based thoughts. That they’re not really real.

THEY ARE REAL- they exist. Small to large, minute to ginormous, funny to serious, uneventful to life-changing, secular to religious.

The hardest part is that, at the same time, I hate them and cling to them.

What about you? Doubts- got em? How do you deal?

I’ve watched some, I think, good movies over the past week. (No, that’s not where I’ve been. Well, it kinda is. But not entirely.)

First up was Surrogates, which I already talked about. The next was Gamer, a movie I don’t recommend because of the amount if nudity in it, although the storyline was decent. And tonight I watched the “horror comedy” Zombieland starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin. It’s in a similar vain as Shawn of the Dead, but more apocalyptic.

It’s ironic that all three deal with the apparent and possible end of mankind. And you know what- I have a secret: I love it.

I really don’t know what it is. Tonight as I was watching Zombieland with my wife and some of our friends I commented aloud about how cool it would be to be able to just take anything you want because it wouldn’t effect anyone. To be able to just walk onto a car lot and take the one that I liked the most, or stroll down the aisles of Cabela’s stocking up on the coolest weaponry. I don’t know. It just sounds…. fun!

The reality, however, is that this isn’t the world we live in. Oh to be in movies.

What would you do if you could do anything without effecting anyone?
~Nick